Civilization III - Recounting through 1600 AD

I've had Civilization III for a while, probably since '01 or '02, but haven't really played it much in the past few years. Sure, I played it a lot when i first got it, but it became just another disc in the pile before long. Today, however, my interest was re-kindled after a talk with Scott. I don't quite recall the twists and turns our conversation took, but after ~25 minutes of random "catching-up" talk, we were talking about Civ III. Before long, he had his disc in his CD player listening to the soundtrack, and I had my disc in the CD-ROM preparing a new game.

"Scott, what size map should I pick?"
"How many GHz you have?"
"Uhhh, well, no GHz really...Well, I guess you could say .7 GHz"
"*laughing* Just pick the one below Gigantic."
"Huge?"
"Yeah."
"Okay. Now the tough one...What should I pick for my land distribution?"
"*thinking* Why don't you just play the Earth map?"
"(minor Holy Shit moment) ...good fucking idea."

I picked the Greeks, because I ALWAYS pick the Greeks. I've had a perpetual hard-on for Alexander the Great's epic life since my latter years of high school. It just seems natural to have an inclination for taking his role in my fictional conquest of the planet.

I set 5 random opponents, adjusted some of the victory conditions, and started the game.

When you start the game, you have a settler (used for establishing towns/cities) and a worker (basically a slave laborer who builds roads, mines, and cuts down forests...among many other things), and you're surrounded by blackness (AKA the Fog of War). I like the idea of not being able to see everything because it forces you to explore the terrain around you, while also keeping you oblivious to the actions of your "opponents". Overall, though, this is really just another facet of realism in a fictitious environment.

Before I go into more detail, I have stop and do a small commentary on my general playing style. I move slowly. I'm not a n00b, but I have n00bish qualities in that I'm not out for complete domination from the get-go.

Back on topic.

I did some exploring, and I ended up in fucking South America. Of all the places in the world I DIDN'T want to establish myself, this was at the top of the list. Nothing against South America, but on the map in Civ III, the Andes Mountains are motherfuckers.

After some exploring, I ran into the Romans. They were pretty cool, a little too close to my civilization, but they were still cool. We exchanged territorial maps, and I was on my way.

The exploration of South America was complete, so I set my sights north. Not long before I made it through Central America I ran into the fucking Carthaginians. I hate these guys, and I don't know why. A part of me thinks it's due to the absolutely wretched looking leader I have to be diplomatic with. I wish there was an option when I was choosing the computer players that would allow "Random - EXCEPT THE FUCKING CARTHAGINIANS." Anyway, we exchanged territorial maps, and I set my warrior to auto-explore because I didn't feel like seeing Hannibal chase the poor bastard around.

I scroll down to the southern border of my now thriving empire. It appears as if the Romans recognize my little "anti-make-your-civilation-grow" tactic.

Allow me to elaborate.

When I spawned (that's a First Person Shooter term, I know...Not sure what to use for Strategy games like this), I ended up on the eastern edge of South America right in the heart of Brazil. After some exploring, like I said, I encountered the Romans on the southern tip of Argentina. IMMEDIATELY, I started expanding my culture west and south. My primary goal, obviously, was to eventually deny them the ability to expand.

Well, it worked.

Roman settlers were being denied passage left and right, and I was loving it. It was all fun and games until Ceasar refused to move his units from my territory THREE TIMES.

Typically, when I start a game, I tell myself "Okay Eric, we're going for a diplomatic win here. There's no need to fight, because you can just smooth-talk your way to victory. Be the liberal. Be the liberal." It never seems to work that way though.

Caesar was pushing my buttons, and I didn't like how he was pushing them. He ended up moving the units out of my boundaries, but only because he was headed north to establish a settlement.

Awww hell naw!

Needless to say, the settlement soon became rubble, and the Greeks and Romans were at war. The entire time leading up to the first battle I was sure to stay buddy-buddy with Hannibal up north (I saw the impending war coming on a few turns in advance) because I knew it would be very bad to get gangbanged when you're pinched between your enemies, and one of them is a very furry, un-kept man. MORE MONEY, HANNIBAL?! SURE, WHATEVER YOU WANT BIG GUY!!

So, Hannibal was happy and Caesar was crying something about a peace treaty after the first 5 towns were taken over. I ignored him and mumbled something to myself about how Caesar should thank his settlers for the demise of his empire. Overthrowing an empire isn't something I step into lightly. I'm very meticulous, and when things don't go how I expect them to, I get angry.

I produced all of the necessary attacking units and positioned them outside each one of his key cities. When the time was right, I attacked them all on the same turn, and then moved my campain toward the southern tip of Argentina until I'd overthrown every city. Caesar et al (HAR!) were no more, and I now have several kick-ass locations to vacation in.

After overthrowing Caesar, I decided to kick back and develop my newly acquired cities. Things are going great for them, and I'm slowly advancing north. Don't worry though, I fortified an army and choked off the majority of Central America so Hannibal can't get his fat hands on my territory. I don't care how much of North America he has control of. I'll deal with that later.

Well, here we are at 1600 AD, and I haven't even sailed the fucking ocean blue yet. Damn those Romans for forcing me into a conflict so early on.

Tune in next time when we attempt to answer the age-old question: WTF is Hannibal thinking?!